100% and any% speedruns are usually the biggest ticket speedrun categories in most games, but most games aren’t Baldur’s Gate 3. This steamy RPG’s copious coitus led speedrunners to see just how fast they could get it on in a given playthrough, leading to a lively sex% category (it’s even tracked by speedrun.com!)
First spotted by Eurogamer, one of the great maestros of BG3 speedrunning, who goes by Mae (or “maeeeeee”), already has a lock on the Gale-bombing, Shadowheart-boxing any% record, and they’ve now set a new world’s best in the sex% category they helped establish by banging in Baldur’s Gate 3 in under two minutes.
The basic contours of the run are similar to when Mae brought it under eight minutes back in August: Githyanki psionic buffs and oodles of strength give you big, beefy broad jumps to bypass combat and terrain alike. Mae’s chosen avatar for this historic occasion was an ugly Gith goofball dubbed “EXTREME COITUS HAVER.”
Everyone’s favorite freaky homeschool kid Lae’zel is the easiest bud to bed in Baldur’s Gate 3, but you still have to reach the Grove of Silvanus and let her cyberbully a Tiefling in real life to show her you’re real zhak vo’n’ash duj material if you know what I mean.
In the initial version of this run, the big old goblin dustup at the gates was a real time sink, forcing runners to just get through the long battle like a normal pleb. Now, no longer. Somewhere along the line, runners found a moon jump path past all that hoopla—sorry Zevlor.
The run is now just:
- Jump through the Nautiloid.
- Jump through the beach and free Lae’zel.
- Jump into the grove.
- Blast through the quest cutscene and some initial romance dialogue.
- Long rest.
It’s seriously impressive how much progress has been made in this joke side category since launch, but is this really what we want? Where’s the romance? Call me old-fashioned, but it took me like, 25 hours to reach Karlach’s big romance scene when I was playing.